Things said in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place. 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
____________________________________________  ;

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot? 
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do. 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do? 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ. 
_______________ ____________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: getting laid 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney? 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 

__________________________________________ __ 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. 
_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people? 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 
_________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The auto psy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 
____________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 
______________________________________ 

And the best for last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

One Comment

  1. Kishor February 26, 2009

    I had never heard of these jokes. These are superb. Real entertaining. thanks fr posting.

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